i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
