Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
