i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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