so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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