John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
