Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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