this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
