Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
