Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
