I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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