there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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