Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
