she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
