I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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