I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
