my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
