Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Text me some of your sweat
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
