you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
