Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
