im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
