to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
