my phone needs a breathalizer
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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