either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
