just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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