I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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