hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
