I wanna passion pit in your ass
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
