So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I didn't notice because vodka
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
