He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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