Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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