Buhtt sex?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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