rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
