He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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