just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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