your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I love you.
Bad choice
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
