How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
