so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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