The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
