The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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