I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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