Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
