Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
