My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
