Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
