i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
