I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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