the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
