The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize