I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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