I'm jealous of your bromance
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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