i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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