I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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