trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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