this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
