I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
