I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
