Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Even my vagina gasped.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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