Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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