finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
