I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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