Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
