Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is Oprah even human
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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