why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
