Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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