I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize