I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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